


A Friend In Need

by Esperata



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e10 Mirror Mirror, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Star Trek I: The Motion Picture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suffering, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-06 02:36:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12807795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: A continuation of "From Bad To Worse".McCoy has been reinstated back aboard the Enterprise thanks to Kirk but he isn't ready to face Spock again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [From Bad To Worse](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12000090) by [Esperata](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata). 



McCoy sat in his quarters and swore.

He called Starfleet every name under the sun for reactivating his commission before realising that Starfleet were only the machine, not the operator.

So he cursed Jim Kirk for dragging him back into this life and then felt ashamed of himself. Jim may have been underhanded but only because he was desperate. Leonard had known him long enough to recognise how much Jim had needed his old friend’s guidance and reassurance on this trip.

And he had agreed to be reinstated, hadn’t he?

He stared down at the crumpled fabric in his hands.

Of course, that was before _he_ had come back on board.

McCoy idly wondered how he’d come to have the other man’s tunic. Some kerfuffle on reboarding Enterprise and not being sure if they needed to change back into regular uniform wasn’t it? He certainly recalled shouting at the Vulcan.

There had been surprise in those dark eyes at his vehement outburst. Which probably explained why neither man had noticed picking up the wrong shirt. McCoy knew he’d over reacted but dammit he simply couldn’t cope with Spock looking at him as though they were friends. Not after…

He shuddered and his mind switched tracks.

He’d optimistically thought things might be okay at first. Initially he’d assumed the Vulcan was passing through. McCoy knew he could fake a smile, hell he’d done it with his ex-wife often enough after all.

Then Spock had revealed himself to be not the Spock they knew and McCoy had actually been relieved. It was as if a wholly different person had joined them.

But the moment in sickbay – when Spock had clutched at Jim’s hand with an almost outrageous display of emotion – had shown the cracks in McCoy’s emotional defences.

He knew now he couldn’t serve on the same ship.

It had been bad enough _before_ when his human heart had torn a little further at each show of casual indifference. _Now_ , plagued by the memories of his own poor choices… that surged forward when he even envisaged his old frenemy’s face…

He huffed a defeated sigh.

Hell, he couldn’t even raise the courage to return the damn man’s shirt!

He pressed his hands to his knees and sought the strength to rise.

There was only one thing for it. He’d have to resign again.

The door chime startled him as he finally managed to get himself moving and he pressed the door release before considering who might be on the other side.

He couldn’t hide his flinch at finding himself face to face with the object of his hopeless affections and his eyes slid away without any input from him.

“Doctor.”

The voice was just as sonorous as McCoy remembered and he hoped to hell Spock didn’t see him shudder.

“I came to return your tunic,” the Vulcan continued. “I see you were on your way to do the same?”

McCoy wondered whether he imagined the questioning tone but he didn’t look to see if the eyebrow was raised. Instead he focused on the material he still held in his locked fist.

“Yeah.” His voice sounded hoarse and he coughed briefly. “Here y’are.”

“Thank you.”

There was a long pause and McCoy wondered why the Vulcan hadn’t left already before his own shirt was moved to dangle in his field of vision. He snatched at it before remembering his manners and clearing his throat yet again.

“Thank ya.”

He wanted to step back into the sanctuary of his room but he didn’t dare move until Spock retreated. The last thing he could deal with was the Vulcan following him inside as he would have done years past.

“Are you well?”

The question surprised the doctor and he made the mistake of looking Spock square in the face.

Open concern showed there. It was enough to break open Leonard’s carefully shored up defences and he fought to keep his own face from showing his confused feelings. His sheer gratitude at his old friend's worry conflicting with his terror at being exposed as unworthy of it.

“Ah’m fine,” he muttered, lowering his eyes. “But ah think ya oughta know, ah’m goin’ back to Georgia soon as ah can.”

“That is unfortunate,” Spock spoke carefully. “The crew will be lacking without you.”

“Yeah well, Chapel can run sickbay.”

Again, McCoy waited for Spock to leave but it seemed the Vulcan wasn’t finished.

“May I enquire why you are leaving so shortly after reaccepting your position?”

“How ‘bout ‘cause I never wanted to come back in the first place?”

The flare of anger enabled McCoy to raise his eyes again and glare at the Vulcan.

“You did intimate to Jim that you would remain however,” Spock pointed out reasonably.

“That was before… before I thought about it properly.”

His eyes flickered away, unable to wholly supress the vision of another Vulcan pressing against him… playing with his thoughts to play upon his feelings.

He felt a surge of nausea.

“Doctor, you do not look well. Are you… is there a recurrence of any illness?”

The concerned question made McCoy laugh derisively, at himself rather than Spock though. He shook his head in response even as his mirth faded to a sad resignation.

“Unless being a foolish old man’s an illness,” he murmured.

With an effort he brought his eyes back to Spock’s.

“Look, it’s been a lot happening the last few days and I’m plain tired.”

Spock didn’t look wholly convinced but he nodded.

“Of course Doctor. I shall leave you to your rest.”

Finally, Spock moved away and McCoy was able to seal his door again.

Almost immediately his body gave way to convulsive shudders as the unwanted memories pounded inside his skull. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes in a vain attempt to block them out – both the foreign Vulcan and the twisted fantasies he’d created.

He needed to get off this ship.

But first he needed the merciful oblivion of sleep.

Snatching his bottle of red pills he staggered to his bunk and collapsed down, fully clothed.


	2. Chapter 2

“What is this supposed to be?” Kirk demanded.

“My letter of resignation,” McCoy answered shortly.

“Bones… I can’t accept this.”

The doctor let out a sigh. His friend wasn’t going to make this easy for him.

“Jim-” he began tiredly before the other man interrupted him.

“You said you’d be staying on board. You accepted the reinstatement. Dammit! You promised _me_.”

“I know,” McCoy huffed. “But that was _before_.”

“Before what? VGer?” Jim shook his head. “As I recall it was after saving Earth you confirmed you’d be staying with us.”

“That’s just it!” McCoy exclaimed. “It’s not just you anymore. It’s…” McCoy’s eyes slid away as his mind stamped down on the thought of who else this involved.

“Jim,” he began again more quietly. “You don’t need me anymore. Why don’t you just let me leave?”

“Because I do need you. And because I don’t understand this sudden change of heart.”

“You don’t need me,” McCoy insisted again. “You have Chapel. She was in line to be CMO all on her own before you conscripted me.”

“But I still want your advice. There’s no-one I trust half so much. Well, except perhaps-”

“Jim,” Leonard interrupted firmly before the name could be spoken. “I understand why you wanted my assessment when you retook command. Being behind a desk all those years was bound to make you question your fitness. But you did fine. And now it’s time for you to stand on your own.”

Kirk looked at his friend carefully and McCoy remembered just how perceptive the man truly was. It was of course one reason he was such a good captain.

“You still haven’t explained your reason for wanting to leave,” he pointed out.

As McCoy continued to say nothing, Jim leant forward to catch his eyes.

“If you can explain it to me, give me a valid reason for wanting to leave, then of course I’ll approve the request.”

“Isn’t it enough that I want to go?” McCoy tried.

Jim shook his head.

“Ordinarily, I’d understand that but I know there’s something else going on. Something you don’t want to tell me.”

“And did you ever think I might have good reasons for not wanting to tell you?” McCoy snapped. “Dammit Jim. I just want to forget.”

“Forget?” Jim frowned. “Forget what?”

Leonard stared at his friend.

“It’ll hardly help me forgetting if I keep jabbering on about it will it?”

Jim threw his hands up.

“Keep jabbering on about it?” he echoed. “You haven’t even mentioned it in passing to my knowledge! Bones… don’t you think you can trust me?”

McCoy’s eyes slipped away again.

“It’s not important,” he declared stubbornly.

“It is if it’s causing you to leave all your friends to go running back to Earth,” Jim insisted. "I know you too well Bones. When something hurts you… you run.”

McCoy instinctively stood and stepped towards the window, ironically aware he was only proving Kirk’s point but unable to sit still.

“So you won’t approve my request?” he clarified, back to his friend.

“No. Not right now anyway,” Jim amended. “Even if I did agree straight away, we won’t be near a Federation planet or Starbase anytime soon to drop you off. In the meantime, I’d like you to reconsider. And, if you can’t talk to me, talk to _someone_. Chapel, Scotty… hell, even Spock!”

McCoy couldn’t help his flinch at the name and was glad he was still facing the cold expanse of space which couldn’t call him on it.

“Fine,” he muttered, heading for the door.

“Bones,” Jim’s tone was beseeching but McCoy needed to get out of there and didn’t stop.

He stalked into the corridor and began a brisk walk. It didn’t matter where he headed only that his body had something to focus on besides the thoughts wanting to intrude.

He should have known Jim would be difficult but he had hoped that having succeeded in regaining his command the man would be less clingy about his old staff. Of course he probably would have been if the old staff didn’t happen to be an old friend as well.

Part of McCoy felt guilty for holding back the truth but how could he tell Jim that? How would his good friend ever be able to look at him again knowing _that_ about him? Not just his pathetic pining for someone so remote but his utter stupidity to boot.

No. Jim may not appreciate it but holding his tongue was the only way Leonard could see to hold onto their friendship. And he needed that. He never wanted to see that look of pitying concern in…

“Doctor.”

The bland voice coming so unexpectedly from behind him made Leonard jump and spin with a fearful look.

Spock blinked, clearly surprised at the reaction. Then his expression morphed into concern and McCoy’s face hardened in response.

“What do you want Vulcan? Sneaking up on people like that?”

“I merely wished to alert you to my presence. I had no intention of alarming you.” He studied McCoy’s face and Leonard felt a twist of fear that the alien would be able to see into his very mind. He vividly recalled a similar experience after stepping off a transporter and for the first time noting Spock’s lack of facial hair.

“Are you well?” Spock enquired.

“I’m fine!” McCoy snapped, attempting to glare but being temporarily unsure of which Spock he was looking at. Conflicting memories of being held by the man were confusing him and he unthinkingly rubbed a hand across his forehead.

“You appear disorientated.”

“And I told you I’m fine.” McCoy managed to glare this time. “I’m just heading to my quarters.”

That damned eyebrow rose and McCoy realised his error before Spock even had to say it.

“Doctor, your quarters are the other way.”

“I know that!”

McCoy glanced at the corridor where Spock was standing and tried to calculate which side he could pass with the maximum separation between them.

“Should I accompany you?”

“No!” McCoy made his choice and stalked past. “I can find my own damned way.”

He continued on at the brisk pace until he was certain he’d left the other man behind.

Then he leant against the wall and allowed the trembling in his limbs to take over.

He had to get away and soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Work had always been a balm for McCoy and now was no different.

Although they had no patients there was still plenty to do in establishing the newly appointed sickbay. While Christine was firm in wanted her own say in things, she nevertheless welcomed Leonard’s contribution. He strongly suspected she recognised he needed the activity although she was too hesitant to ask him why.

Occasionally she or the captain suggested he take a trip up to the bridge but he declined each time. If Christine made the suggestion he’d encourage her to go, it being her chance now to provide the on-the-job crew assessments. If Jim asked him then he’d make up some excuse to stay below decks.

So far Leonard had managed to avoid any more one-to-one chats with the captain. He knew Jim hadn’t given up but the man was at least giving McCoy time to rethink. And Leonard had managed to avoid any further conversation with Spock entirely.

Not that that seemed to help much because it didn’t stop him from seeing the Vulcan. He never slept now without memories playing themselves across his mind’s eye.

Sometimes they involved the fantasy conjured from _that_ mistaken encounter, which itself was drawn from his own imagination. Other times he found himself back aboard the ISS Enterprise and at the mercy of the other Spock. That twisted into pleasure or pain but always with Leonard completely under the control of the stronger man.

But whichever way his mind took him, it was always interspersed with real memories. True moments when Spock had touched him with the aim of showing affection or sometimes irritation. More often than not he awoke to the sense memory of long fingers gripping too hard round his jaw.

The pills helped him get enough sleep but there was nothing he could do to stop the waking whims assaulting his mind. His heart slammed hard every time he caught a glimpse of the First Officer and he suffered an instant panic trying to decipher which version of the Vulcan he was seeing. It was similar to the fear he’d experienced after the trip to the mirror universe but he’d been able to overcome that. His trust in Spock had been enough to reassure him all was well.

That didn’t seem sufficient now. Perhaps because he couldn’t trust himself any more. In truth his greatest fear was simply that Spock would recognise what McCoy had done. That he would be disgusted in him. That he would no longer deem him worthy of even a grudging respect. Because Leonard knew he wasn’t worth it anymore.

McCoy breathed deeply and gripped the side of a biobed as he swayed.

“Leonard?” Christine’s soft voice brought his attention back and he looked round with a questioning glance.

She stepped closer.

“You look like you need some air. Why don’t you go down with the away team?”

He was about to protest that he was fine but then he reconsidered. Wide open skies and real soil under foot did sound appealing. Perhaps it might even help to blow away some of the miasma plaguing him.

And it would certainly give him freedom from running into either Jim or the Vulcan.

“Thanks Christine. That might do me the power of good.”

She smiled, pleased to do what she could for him, and handed over her kit.

*

The call from the away team came barely an hour later.

“ _Enterprise! Emergency transport. We have wounded._ ”

Christine reached the transporter room first and found her fears to be justified.

Leonard was lying curled tightly upon himself, two ensigns knelt either side defensively.

“What happened?” she demanded, even as she began running her scanner over him.

“We were ambushed by Romulans. They took us prisoner… wanting to know Federation secrets.”

“What did they do to him?” Christine interrupted irritably, resetting her scanner and beginning again as it found no injuries.

“I don’t know. They said they were going to interrogate us. One of them reached out to grab the doctor by his neck and he just… it was some sort of seizure, I think.”

“We thought he was acting,” the other ensign put in. “It distracted the Romulans and we were able to overpower them. It wasn’t until afterwards we realised-”

“Help me get him onto the stretcher,” she interrupted again, less interested in their tale as it didn’t provide any explanation for her friend’s catatonic state.

The captain and Mister Spock arrived shortly after she had transferred him to a biobed. She ignored them as she focused entirely on the readouts.

“Doctor Chapel?” Her captain’s voice eventually distracted her with its tone of genuine anxiety. “Will he be alright?”

She sighed and turned.

“I honestly don’t know,” she admitted. “From what I can see here and what I was told, the most likely conclusion is that Leonard is suffering a form of post traumatic stress and something that happened triggered him to experience severe shock. His mind has shut itself down to escape the association.”

“Post traumatic stress?” Jim queried. “What would have caused that?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing,” Christine replied. “You’re closer to him than anyone else. It’s been no secret he’s been… unsettled since the new mission began. Has he mentioned anything? Even in passing. He may not have realized just how affected he was.”

Jim shook his head but then admitted, “He wanted to resign.”

Christine arched her eyebrow.

“Did he give a reason?”

“No. He said… he said he wanted to forget. Damn it… I should have pressed him to explain but I thought if I gave him time…”

“You were right not to press,” Chapel assured him. “If it’s the same something that triggered this response then it would need to be dealt with gradually. Did he give any indication as to its nature?”

Again Jim shook his head with a frown.

“I don’t understand,” he huffed. “Surely it’s not something from the first mission? We’d have noticed something wrong wouldn’t we? But it doesn’t seem likely someone would suffer much trauma in Georgia.”

“You’d be surprised,” Christine responded swiftly. “PTSD doesn’t just affect soldiers you know.”

“Perhaps we can deduce the relevant trigger,” Spock joined the conversation.

Christine frowned as she considered it.

“Unlikely,” she concluded. “Dependant on the original cause, the trigger could be anything from a scent or word to an action. There are too many variables.”

“What do you suggest we do?” Jim asked, seeming in that moment to Christine as little more than an unsure child.

“We need to reassure Leonard he’s safe. That he’s amongst friends. Once his mind recognises the danger has past, he should come round on his own.”

“So… talk to him?” Jim queried.

“Essentially.”

“There may be an easier way,” Spock suggested. “I could meld with the doctor.”

“I’m not sure that’s wise. His mind is in a delicate place right now.”

“But it would go a long way towards showing Bones he’s among friends,” Jim added hopefully. “And Spock’s melded with him before without any problems.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Christine agreed.

She still couldn’t quite shake the feeling that she was making the wrong decision as she gestured for the men to approach her patient’s biobed.


	4. Chapter 4

Spock had not known what to expect on entering the doctor’s mind.

Previous occasions had shown it to be vibrant but undisciplined however he knew not to expect that this time. He had speculated on the various events that might have caused the doctor’s trauma… he had thought he was prepared to face and confront them with the man… yet he had not prepared for this scene.

McCoy… his friend… was pressed to a bed by another man.

Spock had to take a second to press down his own instinctual emotional reaction and focus on what he was seeing.

The first detail he registered was that the man forcing McCoy down was Vulcanoid.

The second was that the doctor’s careworn face was streaked with tears.

The utterly distraught expression held Spock’s focus, even as he was peripherally aware of the continued actions of the Vulcanoid. McCoy was distressed by these events. Sufficiently traumatised in fact to shut down his mind from an unintentional reminder.

The only conclusion was that the act taking place was not consensual. It was easy to imagine the human being overpowered by the other’s strength. McCoy was not especially strong and even a powerful human would be able to coerce him in this manner.

The odour of whiskey that pervaded the memory added to his conclusion. Inebriation would have rendered the human even more vulnerable to persuasion.

That a Vulcan would do such a thing appalled Spock’s senses yet he never doubted the conclusion. Not with the pitiful crying of the man before him.

Yet then the scene progressed and Spock realised with horror that even this wasn’t the end of his friend’s indignities.

_“You are not reacting appropriately.”_

The voice was distorted but clear enough. As was the man’s intention as he reached his hands forward to grasp about McCoy’s face. Spock stepped forward without any conscious thought, aware even as he focused on reaching the tableau before him that another scene was overlapping it.

He was almost distracted as he caught sight of himself – yet not himself – pressing hands to a younger McCoy’s face as he was pressed securely against the wall…

Then he was beside the bed and he struck out with palm forward to propel McCoy’s assailant away. The Vulcanoid dissipated as the connection between him and McCoy was broken.

Spock looked down towards the trembling man curled tightly about himself, tears still streaming unheeded down his face.

“Doctor.” He kept his tone soft but it didn’t stop the flinch. “Leonard,” he tried again.

McCoy curled impossibly tighter, hands gripping so hard they’d bruise if this reality had physical substance.

“You are safe now.”

McCoy shook his head aggressively.

“It was only a memory. It cannot hurt you any longer.”

“Can,” McCoy muttered brokenly. “You could find out.”

Spock hesitated and then sat cautiously on the edge of the bed, careful to leave a significant gap between them.

“Why would that hurt you?”

Wet, wide blue eyes peered at him, unable to focus due to the film of tears.

“You’d hate me. I’d disgust you. I disgust myself.”

“I do not hate you. Not for this nor for anything else. This was not your doing.”

“Was. I agreed to this. I _asked_ for this.”

“Doctor, it is clear to me you have been drinking. I do not believe you could have given informed consent.”

“Wasn’t that drunk. Just wanted to dull the mem’ries.”

“If this was a new partner, as seems obvious, drunken consent is hardly sufficient. And I am certain you were never offered a choice about the mind meld.”

McCoy made a small dismissive shrug.

“Not like that’s the first time,” he muttered.

Spock paused as he recalled the other memory that had attached itself to this one.

“You were forced,” he realised. “In the other universe.”

McCoy neither confirmed nor denied the charge. Spock decided to focus on the more relevant issue.

“Leonard, you were responsible for neither situation. You were taken advantage of. Regardless of what you intimated you wanted, it was the other man’s duty to determine you were able to understand what would happen. He was sober. And he should never have initiated a meld without consent.”

McCoy lay silently blinking up at him.

“Ya don’t hate me?” he queried quietly.

“I do not believe that is possible,” Spock returned seriously.

“Even if… I tell ya… I agreed because I wanted you?”

The admission surprised Spock but he still didn’t hesitate in his answer.

“Not even then,” he confirmed.

For a long moment McCoy seemed unable to find a reply to that. Eventually he frowned.

“Are you another part of my mind? Because mostly my mind’s not this nice to me.”

Spock arched an eyebrow, curious about what that said about his friend’s mental state but not willing to risk the fragile peace he’d won by questioning it.

“I am real,” he informed the doctor. “I have joined our minds to help you recover from your recent trauma.”

There was a pause before the doctor, to Spock’s surprised horror, began to snigger.

“Doctor?”

As McCoy turned to look at him again, Spock was relieved to see a familiar amused glint in his eyes.

“Looks like you’ve invaded my mind without permission again,” he teased.

Spock’s lips drew tight as he realised the doctor was correct in his assessment but, before he could form an apology, the human spoke again.

“Thank you Spock.”

As a relaxed smile spread across Leonard’s face, Spock heard himself reply, “You are welcome,” before he found himself blinking once again in the lights of sickbay.

“Mister Spock?” Christine’s voice interrupted. “Are you alright?”

“Did you reach him?” Jim added anxiously.

Spock’s gaze refocused on the man lying still on the biobed. Seconds later, tired blue eyes struggled open and latched onto his face.

It seemed an age but then a weak smile appeared and Spock let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding.

As McCoy slipped back into a natural sleep, and Chapel began to fuss about him, Spock finally met Jim’s eyes.

“Yes Captain,” he replied. “I reached him.”


	5. Chapter 5

McCoy did not get better overnight. Yet, day by day, he improved.

Before being released from sickbay, he admitted to Doctor Chapel that he needed help coping and they set up weekly meetings. She hugged him before letting him out of her sight and told him she was so relieved. It surprised him a little to realise just how poorly he’d actually been hiding things and touched him to know people had in fact noticed.

His next stop was Jim’s.

The captain greeted him warmly but hesitantly and Leonard realised that Jim too was genuinely worried about him. With a lot of awkwardness of his part, and fumbling expressions of support from Jim, they managed to re-establish their somewhat battered friendship.

Three years apart followed by a rather unwilling reunion had not left them time to reacquaint themselves. They did so now.

To his surprise, Leonard found himself actually telling Jim about the events that had transpired. Even his rather illogical, besotted reasoning. It seemed, once he started opening up he couldn’t close the gates and everything came tumbling out.

To his credit, and to McCoy’s eternal relief, Jim took it all in his stride and accepted everything McCoy told him without question.

At the end, when McCoy was almost hoarse with talking and was yet again trying to surreptitiously wipe his damp eyes, Jim simply leant over and grasped his shoulder.

“I’m always here for you Bones. You know that? Always.”

The simple declaration brought the tears back to McCoy’s eyes and he cursed Jim affectionately. The other man merely grinned.

Spock however was another matter.

McCoy didn’t know how to act with the Vulcan. He felt too awkward to be friendly yet their usual arguing felt inappropriate. Their interactions became rather stiltingly formal.

Jim solved the problem as he always had by acting as their cement.

When the three of them were together, it became easier to relax. McCoy found himself siding with Jim to tease the Vulcan before Spock came back with a witty rejoinder that left them stumped. As the two of them against Spock, McCoy could forget for a while about everything.

However when they were on their own again, he still felt the weight of the memories pressing on him. Not intruding on his consciousness anymore – he had at least relegated them to shadows – but still darkening his outlook. The knowledge that Spock knew haunted him. And although he believed the Vulcan when he said he thought no less of him because of it, Leonard was still human. He couldn’t shake it off so easily.

Spock eventually broke the stalemate himself.

“Doctor, may I join you?”

McCoy was sat in the messhall idly studying some therapy sheets Christine had suggested for him.

“Sure.” He put the PADD down and focused on his companion. “There something I can do for you?”

“In a manner of speaking,” Spock allowed, steepling his hands thoughtfully. “I have been giving some thought to our current interactions.”

McCoy couldn’t help but shift uncomfortably.

“Oh?”

“Indeed. While it is clear you still require time to come to terms with your exploitation, I believe it could be beneficial to attempt establishing new memories that will have no link to past experiences.”

“What sorts of new memories?” McCoy asked cautiously.

“I was going to suggest we attend the concert later this week together. We rarely attended any functions together previously.”

“That sounds… nice.”

“I assumed the more public setting would be reassuring for you.” Spock sounded almost hesitant and McCoy smiled.

“I ain’t scared of you Spock. Just don’t know how to act ‘round you.”

“Ah. I would hope you will act however you feel inclined to act.”

McCoy raised an eyebrow at that.

“Not so sure you really want me to be doin’ that,” he drawled, remembering numerous impulses he’d had around the Vulcan that he was pretty sure wouldn’t have been appreciated.

“I am not scared of you,” Spock echoed his words back at him with his own eyebrow raised in challenge.

Suddenly, the whole prospect seemed utterly terrifying and McCoy couldn’t prevent his shiver at the remembrance of unyielding hands holding him too tightly.

The action didn’t go unnoticed and Spock’s voice was noticeably softer as he spoke again.

“Leonard. Do you wish to know why I attempted kolinahr?”

The non-sequitor broke McCoy away from his thoughts and he met Spock’s gaze with open curiosity.

“I was afraid of my own feelings. I felt shame for feeling them yet was unable to subjugate them. And the most predominant among those feelings was affection for Jim… and for you. Often throughout the mission, I found myself acting illogically in order to protect you.” He held Leonard’s eyes. “As you know, I failed to achieve kolinahr. I still am attempting to deal with my emotions. And, still, predominant among them is my wish to protect you. Beyond anything else, I would do nothing to harm you.”

McCoy swallowed, unable to respond immediately with words but managing to nod his understanding.

Spock nodded back before leaning back again, once again sitting straight in his chair. When he’d moved forward McCoy had no idea.

“So you will join me for the concert?” Spock queried.

“Ah… yeah,” McCoy agreed.

Spock inclined his head once again before rising and leaving without another word.

McCoy wasn’t sure what exactly they’d just agreed but he knew for a fact that it was nothing he wouldn’t be comfortable with. He sensed that Spock was just as hesitant, or perhaps just as curious, as McCoy to see what they might build between them.

Maybe they’d get their old friendship back. Maybe they’d make a new one. Or perhaps they’d even discover they could have something else entirely. Whatever happened though, they’d be making the journey together and at whatever pace they felt like.

Suddenly that seemed like a future worth working towards.


End file.
